This will be very quick for I am in class now. I'm pissed. Annoyed. Whatever you want to call it. This is one of the reasons why I don't like myself. I cry too easily. Fucking too easily. How can I face them now? I'm not supposed to show them these effing tears. It's a fucking weakness they need not see and notice. What will they say of me now? I do trust them. Well, not so much. What will they think of me now? Ugh. Shame.
And that professor. Damn him for triggering these tears--for pulling them out. He's one good teacher, one who knows humanities and a couple of life lessons. But I don't allow myself to cry if not in front of Kaa-san or Joy. Damn that professor. Damn him.
And to you, the person who made me this way. The person who's the root of all these insecurities and weaknesses. To you who damned me with fucking expectations. Fuck you. Fuck you. And fuck you. Don't worry, you'll soon witness my demise. I'll destroy myself. I can't wait to see your reaction by then. Let's see how you look when you see your BELOVED CHILD broken and perfectly INSANE.
About Me
- Thanatos
- I am a tattered soul. The light has abandoned me long ago, leaving me with nothing but darkness as my sole companion. At first, I was upset at how my precious light left me. But now, I'm glad she did... because if not for her betraying me, I wouldn't know what it is like to not know about your flaws and failures... to not be a prisoner of other people's judgement... and to not be hurt by your own feelings.
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For All Your Maximum Ride Needs11 years ago
9 comments:
One thing I need to know before I make a fool of myself: is this you? Or something you wrote that wasn't (necessarily) from experience?
This is me. All of it.
I ask again, I promise.
There's no such thing as crying too easily.
Better to let that stuff out instead of bottling it up. Tears are acidic. If you let them out, the open air will dilute them. If you keep them in, they'll gnaw at your insides.
And what will other people think if you cry? They'll ridicule you. Hate you. Despise you. Laugh at you. Execrate you.
Let 'em. They're jealous. Jealous that you actually have tears to cry. That you aren't a worthless, cankerous blot on creation, like they are. That you have emotions and feelings and wants and hopes and desires. They do, too, but they're so insecure about them that they have to mash others' into the ground to sustain them.
And this good professor--what did he do?
And as for expectations...what do YOU expect of yourself? Besides not crying in front of Kaa-san or Joy?
Whoops. I mean I WON'T ask again. Typo. FMK (F my keyboard).
What did my professor do to make me cry?
Well, now that I think about it, I don't really know... Looking back now, maybe I just really did cry over nothing--or over something so simple that it doesn't matter anymore.
But I don't know. I just don't want to cry in front of other people. Though you say that, it's hard not to think about what they will say. I'd rather prefer it if they were to go on their lives and ignore me rather than stop by and take notice--whether it's ridiculing or pitying me. I don't want it.
Besides, as I've said, I don't cry in front of anyone besides Kaa-san and Joy. They're the only ones that I know I could really trust--they're the only ones that could let me see in that form.
What do I expect from myself?
I think it's a rather twisted expectation but I expect to ruin myself after I've achieved "success". If I could do that, then that's the only time I could say that I've attained happiness.
I want to grab hold of what people consider "success". I want to attain it and I want to be on the pedestal where most people look up. But I don't live for the success itself--I live for what I plan to do after I've achieved it... it's all 'cause I know destroying yourself is easy once you are at the very top. Plus it has a deeper impact too.
I guess that's all I could say for now. Sorry, I could be really wordy at times.
I know what you mean. Our own perceptions of other people's perceptions are what really kill us inside. And it's hard to ignore the worry and woe of showing your vulnerable side in public. There are precious few people in our lives whom we trust with our weakness. You have Kaa-san and Joy, at least.
You remind me of Fyodor Dosotevsky's protagonist in "Notes from Underground." You'd want to ruin yourself after success? Out of spite? Spite at everyone and everything in the world, even yourself? Is that it? Am I understanding this right? The only glee greater than building yourself up to impossible heights is pulling the rug out from under your feet when you get there...?
Don't apologize for being wordy. I'm glad you're sharing all this with me. It's nice to talk with you and find out some of the motivations behind your writing.
Well I don't know if it's out of spite really. But what I do know is that I am doing this for revenge. Since I'm much too afraid to exact my revenge on anyone else, I'd rather have it upon myself. Besides, if I also think about it, it's far more suitable.
The perfect revenge to someone who's strangled you with so much expectations, in my opinion (for now, at least), is to meet all of those and maybe even exceed them... only to let go once you've attained them. I dunno. Maybe I really am just a twisted human being.
And yes, I think I could say that for me, the feeling of ruining myself just after I've achieved a success so high is infinitely better than the achievement of the success itself.
Thank you. It's really nice this way. I could talk without worrying what to say. You see, I tend to say what people want to hear. So yeah, I lie to them and I betray myself. Yeah. Things.
Let me rephrase that.
Wouldn't be a kick in the teeth to your professor if you...say...succeeded? I've heard it said that the perfect revenge to someone who's strangled you with their expectations is to meet them. Or better yet, exceed them.
Just saying...
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