I pride myself in listening--in being able to help another human being in pain. I thought that I could help them since I don't want them to experience the same hell I fell in... but now I know it's just me, ego-tripping. For so long, I believed that I could help them by offering a listening ear and by giving out advices (or so, I thought they were advices). However, I discovered that I am not nothing but merely somebody who they talk to.
There's nothing wrong with them. Definitely nothing. I know this in the pit of my very being, and because of this, I feel more annoyed with myself.
I am just an ordinary loner... a person who PRETENDS that he is of help in any way... a person who thinks that he is being helpful by listening... but all this is nothing but my pride talking.
It all makes sense now--the failed friendships, the unrequited loves, the people who were once close to me but is now gone. It doesn't need to be explicitly said for it is right there--glaring at me straight in the eye. I AM NOTHING BUT A FAILURE.
It's not just the fact that I can't help people. But it is also because I am living in my own world. I don't care about what happens around me--whether someone will die in front of me or not. Lucky if I could even muster an, "Ahh..." when faced with someone dying. I am too APATHETIC. I've closed myself from everything.
Hah. Perhaps I'm closing myself further by writing this, but I don't know. I know I'm a huge failure. But I don't really care anymore. I've lived my life not caring... I could go on like this.
To the people whom I've hurt until now, I'm sorry. To the people whom I've confused minds, I'm sorry. To the people whom I've wasted time, I'm sorry. To the people I've given false hope by making them believe in my words, I'm sorry. And to the two people who made me realize all this, I'm sorry... and thank you. At least now I could define myself a bit better.
"I don't care anymore."
5 comments:
I suppose it wouldn't do me any good to say that you're not a failure, because then you'd probably hit me with a long litany of reasons why you are. I wouldn't say thinking you were helping people when you were really just an ear to bend qualifies you as a failure. I wouldn't be so sure that pretending to help is as reproachable as you say. Even pretend help is still an effort. It's better than nothing at all. But I sincerely doubt that you're truly, in the literal definition of the word, merely pretending to help. I believe you're making an effort (as I hope I am, now), to reach out to somebody who you think needs a hand, and give it. However you perceive the results of your actions, don't judge them by how much they did or didn't "help." Judge by the fact that you extended your hand in the first place.
I've had failed friendships. I've had unrequited loves. But I'm not giving up. I'm squaring my shoulders, vowing to learn and do better, and sticking my hand out for a good shake with the next person I meet (or, in the case of a potential love interest, kissing their hand).
Make your apologies. Care a little, don't care so much that you lose faith, lose hope, become apathetic. I've teetered on that brink, and by all accounts (yours), it's nasty down there. Come back up and have a look. Things might change. No guarantees. But apathy doesn't change a thing.
Thank you.
I don't know when or how but I will someday care about things and people again. Just not now, I guess. Maybe when I've gathered enough courage to step into the light, not caring if I'd be blinded or not. Or maybe, just maybe, when I've found the reason to do so.
Anyways, thank you very much. You've helped me. It's always nice to know that somebody understands.
You should blog more. Get this stuff out of the system. The blogsphere isn't the brightest spot you could step into, but it'd be a start. It takes more than a little courage to put yourself out there like this. Maybe all you need is practice.
And you're welcome.
I'll try to. But I'm not really someone who likes to write or constantly does, so it could be quite a problem. Anyway, who knows. I guess it'll be worth the try.
It's a lot of work, but might be worth a try. I'd be interested in the results. I'm only one person, but...
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