Awoken

Yes, I am here again... awoken from my deep slumber. Aah, it has been a while since I have put my thoughts into writing... since I have last touched a pen and laid out bare the ideas lurking in my head. Honestly, I also wonder why. Most of the time, I ask myself, "Why can't I write just like everyone else?", "Why can't the words come to me as easily as they come to other people?", "Why can't I find the right words to convey what I think?" To tell the truth, I ENVY those people who could write. Those people who don't need to press the Backspace button every once in a while... those people who can write easily as if putting thoughts into writing is merely breathing in air... those people who live to write.

I remember once in a seminar, our keynote speaker said, "Some are born to express themselves in writing... and some in other ways..." Though at first I didn't agree with him, now that I think of it, maybe, he is right after all. Maybe the ability to write something coherent and striking is really inborn and not developed... maybe it really is a talent and not a mere skill which anybody could learn if he strives hard enough.

*sigh* I really ENVY them. If only we are given the chance to pick our talents just before we were born... if only we could edit our skills and abilities, then maybe I wouldn't be this depressed over something so trivial. Oh damn. I hate this life of mine.

My Personality Disorder Test Results

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||| 78% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||| 78% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Antisocial |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Borderline |||||||||||||| 58% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 54% Narcissistic |||| 14% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 54% Dependent |||| 18% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 30%

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Can you believe that?!

Thanatos

The Butterfly and Its Flower

Thanatos

With Wings Open

'It's funny how one can think and say things about something without ever knowing what they really hide. Prejudices, impressions and conclusions... these are all things that we people think carelessly--without ever seeing beyond the facade that is presented to us.' This is what I realized after a particular 'something' spread its wings in front of me... and that's the first time I saw what it has concealed all this time... what the butterfly hid from everybody else.

Truth be told, I have been watching this particular butterfly for some time now, and for no apparent reason. I have witnessed its flight--how it flutters every time it beats its gorgeous wings... and how it glides gracefully while in the air. I know quite well that this spectacle is not for a mediocre observer like me. Nevertheless, I can't help but be amazed by its display of marvelous beauty. Oftentimes, I'd think that it likes to show off and brag about its sophistication and elegance (just think about a vain butterfly, people. Interesting, neh?!). Anyway, there's this one certain event which changed the way I saw the butterfly... and I can't believe that it's that simple--the way it feeds.

Its feeding, though an amazing sight for any observer (including me), made me flinch and take a few steps back in disgust. You see, it feeds on different flowers... switching flowers every once in a while. I knew that butterflies are supposed to do this, and that this particular butterfly doesn't differ from the rest of its kind. However, there is one quite small thing that makes it unique... that makes it stand out from the rest... that makes it need to feed on a single flower only. Unfortunately, that trait I could not decipher.

However irritating the sight might be, I continued to watch it out of habit. Later on, I realized that for the past few days, it has been feeding on a single flower. Sure, it is still moving from one flower to another, but it surprised me to see that once or twice, it'll go back to that one single flower.

At that point, I began to envy the flower... I began to envy the flower for my precious butterfly seemed to be more radiant than usual. It's as if it only opens and beats its wings for the pleasure of the flower, while I, I who have watched it for so long, never got that precious chance to see the butterfly beating its wings in front of me. True, I have watched it... I have observed it... only from afar. I am afraid to approach it for I know that it'll only fly away... away from my grasp and my sight... far, far away. And that's why I content myself to seeing it from a distance... where I know it'll not bother to look at...

As time flew by, the butterfly became more and more loyal to that single flower. This time, I've let go of the chance that I might be able to see it closer. Nevertheless, this didn't stop me from watching it everyday. One day, I noticed that the flower blossomed even more... almost radiating its magnificence along with the butterfly. The scene itself is almost surreal... and yet describing it as surreal is an understatement. Days passed, weeks and months. Now, the butterfly does not switch flowers anymore... it's almost surprising to know that now it stayed only by the flower's side... That is, until one event changed their relationship drastically.

Observing from my usual place, I noticed that the butterfly was hovering in mid-air. I thought that nothing was unusual so I continued observing the little thing. Minutes passed by, or maybe an hour, I don't really know which one, but the butterfly continued to fly to and fro, without ever landing on a flower. That's the time I realized something--it flies in circles on the exact same spot... not changing place, at all. And then the thought of 'something might be wrong' entered my head. I walked closer to the spot where the butterfly was flying... all thoughts of me scaring the creature thrown to the wind. I was one step away from the butterfly when the winged creature slowly descended, almost touching the ground. I knelt down to see what it might be... and what I saw almost broke my heart.

There, lying in the ground was the dead, wilted version of the flower my precious little one loved. It was such a heart-wrenching scene... I almost want to run away and just blame the butterfly... think that it was karma acting on it (remember what I thought about its constant changing of flowers?). But then again, I don't have the courage to. There, atop a fallen petal the flower once owned, was my minute friend--wings drooped and antennae bowed. I felt sorry for my little butterfly. I know how it was to lose something special... how to lose a loved one, even. I was immersed in my thoughts when the butterfly flew once more, or rather, shot upwards through the sky. It flew fast, not the usual flutter of wings but a raging flapping of them. It almost seemed as though it wants to find a way to die... or find a way to get rid of its pain.

After some time, when I was about to walk away from this depressing scene--the flower dead and my butterfly frustrated, my little one finally calmed down. It descended from up high right to the spot opposite my face. I held out my palms and there it landed. I knew that it was really tired... tired of all of these happenings... tired of the pain which it was suffering... It folded its wings and laid there in my open hands. I stared at it for a few moments, thinking back on how I really admired it... how I would watch it from afar... and how I would witness its relationship with the flower. This last thought brought a spasm of pain which caused a tear to roll down my cheek and fall to my open hand. As I was ready to let all the tears escape, the butterfly suddenly moved. And then, it did what I least expect it to do in front of me... it opened its wings only for me to see...

As I look back to this particular incident--the way I held and felt the fragility of my precious little creature and the way it opened its wings, I can't help but both smile and feel sad about it. Smile because I knew that once in my life, I can say that the butterfly trusted me; feel sad because I know I can do nothing to help it. Now, I don't see the butterfly anymore... Maybe it's gone with the wind... or dead even... or maybe it's just there... waiting for that special flower to come back.

Thanatos

The Final Awakening (An Introduction)

“Life is but a passing dream… Only death that follows it is eternal.”
–Seymour (Final Fantasy X)

Death…
The final awakening of the soul…
The only point in time where you would know the true purpose of your existence… by being in the line between life and death…

Piece by piece, I watch as each fragment fall to the ground, slowly but certain. I could not figure out who it is but it was definite that he can no longer withstand the age of suffering and pain he had experienced all these times… I am witnessing a demise of a creation… The return of an opus to where it came from-dust. But this one was no ordinary end… This was wretched and painful, unlike those that depart with serenity painted in their faces. I myself could not think of any appropriate word to describe his pitiable condition. He’s ruined, tattered, dilapidated and literally falling to a thousand pieces. Nevertheless, I want to see what he conceals… I want to know what is behind that decrepit cover… I desire to understand the pages of his life… To comprehend the runes that make up his whole being.

In a blink of an eye, I was facing a mirror. However, I was not staring at myself; instead, I was watching what I perceived to be the life of a masterpiece. Yes, just like every creation, he was also born into this world as an innocent offspring. As he grew up, it seemed that the world was weaving a colorful pattern around him. It was almost a perfect life, he gets what he wants without asking too much and he gives love and receives twice as much as he has given; he even thought that life won’t have any problems at all. He believed that life was only a playground where fun would always reign. His life was filled with pleasure just like everybody’s desire… everybody’s dream…

It was then while staring at solitude that life stopped weaving a colorful quilt around him. Another soul was born from his own. His calm ocean turned into a frantic realm of questions, doubt and hesitation. Confusion became the center of his spirit… He started searching for answers to feed his starving mind… He became doubtful of all things, questioning everything surrounding him… He hesitated to trust, to love, and to live… Darkness became the refuge of his being while on the journey of finding satisfaction… Shadows acted as the sanctuary of his thoughts, feelings and questions he knew no one could understand but himself. He concealed everything about himself, thinking that people would only regard him weak if he let out his persona be known. He searched for oblivion, knowing that it is the only way to forget all the agony in his psyche…

At times, he would ask himself, “Why am I here? What am I doing here when I do not belong with them?” But the answer would still be the same-silence. There have been many times when he wanted to give up and run away from the arduous journey he had long been walking… He had longed for the light that he abandoned long ago… To run back to the arms of bliss that once embraced his soul… Yet, he always found himself running after his purpose which he believes will give him contentment… “There’s no turning back once you have decided which path to take and what decision to make.” And that he kept on his mind until the day when all should come to an end.

It was a bright afternoon, all seemed to be happy and gay except for one soul that was burning in a blazing fire. Deeply immersed in his thoughts, he asked himself the last question, “When would I find the true purpose of my existence? When would I finally wake from this dream?”… And with that, he dropped to the floor, cold and benumbed. At that very moment, I finally saw who it was… It was then that I only realized I was looking at my own life. Then I woke up.

“Death—the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening.”
–Sir Walter Scott

The Mirror's Genesis

Yes. The title said it right... This is officially the beginning of something that will mirror my life... or just plain show what are my ideas about different things (which happens more often than not, I'd say). I perfectly know that I am not very proficient and/or a good author, so if you did spend some of your 'precious' time reading this, I hope you understand that you did that at your own risk... Usually, my thoughts are all messed up in my brain (and they still are) until recently when I found out that I could reduce some of that 'thinking stress' if I write something... So basically, this is just something to ease my headaches most of the time. Though I can't really say that it'll solution my problem ('it' being writing) as it most certainly gives me headaches too... Nevertheless, as 'WEIRD' as it may seem, I do hope that I can improve my writing skills... and that's practically the other reason as to why your reading this 'damned' thing... I know, I know... You're confused like hell with every word you read. Don't worry, you're not alone in this world... I'm a lot more puzzled as to what I'm saying here. Oh! Just think about how bad it is to have a very confused mind...

Now, do you see what I'm talking about?

Your Thinking is Abstract and Random

You are flexible, adaptable, and creative. There's many ways that you can learn - and you're up for any of them. You relate well to other people, and you do well working in groups. You can help people communicate together and work with each other's strengths. You don't work well with people who are competitive or adversarial. You prefer to work toward a common goal... not toward conflicting goals.

What Kind of Thinker Are You?