Untitled (Oneshot)

Author's Note: So yeah, I've no title for this one yet.. (T-T) And as always, this is BL a.k.a Boys' Love. Don't ask why, it's quite a long story... and it'll probably take me a couple of paragraphs to explain. And yeah, as indicated, this is just a oneshot, so please don't expect too much from it. Anyway, there you go, enjoy reading. (^_^) Pardon me for any grammatical error you may find...

---

I like him. There’s just no denying it. I love him, even. But here’s the catch, I’m a guy… and yeah, he’s a guy, too. So yeah, you pretty much get it, right? But guess what, there’s more… we’ve been together the whole of our lives—best friends as you may call it. Tough, no?

“Hey.”

Speak of the devil. I looked up and saw him. He sat down beside me and passed me a can of soda. Here we are, just like always, ditching class again… hanging out at ‘our’ rooftop.

My name’s Mira. And the guy I’m in love with slash the guy who is also my best friend slash the guy sitting beside me is Taku. We’re just your average students—not so flashy nor nerdy, idiotic at times, like to ditch classes, create ruckus and stuff like that. We’ve been always together since we were born. That’s what you get when your mothers are best friends and neighbors… it just gets passed down, I think. We practically grew up with each other on our side. And I know we both really like that.

“Hey Mira.”

“Yeah?”

“What are you thinking of?” Taku asked me as he sipped on his drink and looked up at the sky.

His question caught me off guard. I looked away and thought of what to say. I just can’t probably say I’m thinking of him, can I? Much more so that I’m actually thinking of us… I doubt I could say that.

“Nothing that important. Why?” I simply opted for the safe answer—vague ones.

“Do you want to know what I’m thinking of right now?”

“Yeah, sure. Go ahead.”

He looked at me in the eyes and said, “You.”

Eh?! Did I hear that right? D-do-don’t tell me… he… Taku… My mind went blank and my heart stopped. I couldn’t react immediately and I only managed to utter, “Huh?!”

He burst out laughing and simply said, “Just kidding Mira.”

I let out the breath I didn’t notice I was holding in. Well, of course. He, Taku, how could he possibly be? It’s just impossible, isn’t it?

Taku further added, “I was thinking of what to eat later for dinner, you ass. Don’t tell me you really believed that?”

“Haha. Of course I wouldn’t. I already know you, Taku,” I laughed dryly. Somehow, I couldn’t help but feel little stabs of pain in my chest. What was I expecting anyway? Well of course it’s given… there’s just no way he would feel the same as I do. No freaking way.

“Taku!” Somebody called from behind us and we turned to look. Ah, Inoue.

“Hey,” Taku acknowledged her with a nod and a wave of his hand.

Inoue. Bitch. Gods I hate that girl. And yeah, I haven’t said anything about Taku going out with anyone, right? Well guess what, FYI, Inoue’s the one. I don’t know how they came to know each other and how they ended up seeing each other. But yeah, I hate her guts. Actually, scratch that, I just don’t hate her guts. I hate her very existence… her mere presence. Ugh. Of course I’d hate anybody who’s going out with the man I love, but Inoue? My hatred for her is just indescribable. To put it simply, she’s basically the girl who I will strangle to death if not for Taku liking her. I’m not even sure if it’s like or anything. I don’t know. Damn you Taku, why did it have to be this girl?

“Hey Mira, you okay if I leave now?” Taku asked me as he got up.

“Sure go ahead. Enjoy,” I answered back and faked a smile. I’m pretty sure my smiles—fake or not—always work, with Taku, at least.

“Hai. See you around, then.”

Taku waved me a goodbye as he walked up to Inoue. He put an arm around her waist and they began walking away. They were all lovey-dovey, clingy and stuff. I stared at their backs for a while, thinking of nothing in particular. As I was about to look away, Inoue looked back at me and smirked, as if saying, “Back off, he’s mine.” I recognized that smirk of hers. It was exactly like the one she gave me when Taku introduced me to her. Ugh. She’s really a bitch.

After they were gone, I lied down and stared at the sky. I wonder why Taku went out with her. Because he likes her? Lusts for her? Because of her breasts? Her waist? Her hair? Damn it. I just really wanted to know.

I sighed and closed my eyes. I remember I heard once in a movie, “What’s greater than the agony of being in love?” I have an answer to that question now. It is being in love with a person of the same gender. You don’t stand a chance… and even if you do, there are still many things that will prevent the two of you from being together. Society, people, and even yourselves. Sucks, right? Well I guess Taku and I couldn’t really be more than what we are now, could we?

My phone vibrated and I checked to see who sent the message. It’s from Taku. Strange, that guy usually doesn’t send messages unless it’s important. I hurried to check the message, wondering what it could be. My eyes widened at what was displayed on the phone’s screen.

‘Don’t be lonely without me. Among all my friends, I like you the most. – Taku’

---

“That isn’t right, is it?” I heard a mocking voice beside me.

“This is none of your business, Inoue,” I said to her, snapping my phone shut. I just finished sending a message to Mira and I’m guessing she read if not a portion of it, all of it.

“Shut up Taku. And it’s not just ‘among all my friends’, right?” Inoue said before stopping in her tracks and grabbing my face down to hers. She pulled me in a kiss, aggressively and at her own pace. It’s always like this and I’m sick and tired of this shit… but I can’t do anything about it… I know I can’t do anything about it.

She let go of my lips and whispered in my ear, “It should be ‘among all the people in this world’, shouldn’t it?”

I sighed and tried to start walking again but she grabbed my arm.

“Remember that I’m the one you’re going out with, Taku. Don’t ever try to defy me and my wishes. Or else…” Inoue leaned in to whisper threateningly, “Mira will know that you like him.”

I glared at her and she just looked at me triumphantly.

“Now, you don’t want your dear little Mira to know that you’re gay, do you?” She continued to mock me and my feelings. “How noble of you Taku. Just to protect your beloved, you’re willing to do anything? Even go out with someone you don’t like?”

I couldn’t say anything. She was right. It was the truth. I’m going out with someone I don’t like just to protect Mira. It’s foolish, I know. But I love him. I’d do anything for him. I would.

Inoue laughed, obviously knowing Mira’s my vulnerability. She kissed me once again and said, “You would go out with me. You would hug me, you would kiss me and you would sleep with me. You will do all the things I say because you like Mira… keep that in mind, Taku… keep it imprinted in your mind.”

Chapter 2

“Yuki! Dinner’s ready!” I heard Onee-san’s voice call me.

“Hai. I’m coming down,” I answered, just so she knows I heard her.

I went down the stairs and was immediately met by Youichi, my little brother. “Ne Yu-chan, Yu-chan!”

“Hai.”

“Look at my new toy airplane!” He said, proudly presenting the toy in his tiny hands. “You know, Onee-san bought this for me at the toy store today.”

I looked at his beaming smile then at the shiny new toy he was so proud of. Yeah, it looks good. I presume it’s one of the new models out in the market today. I noticed the brand sticker at the side of it and immediately knew that it was expensive—the type of expensive toys that rich kids get. Sometimes I wonder how Onee-san gets the money for things like this. But most of the time, I’m much too lazy to care or think about it.

“Ahh…” I said, acknowledging both Youichi and his new treasure. “Yeah. That’s nice.”

“You think so too, Yu-chan?” The gleam in his eyes brighter than ever.

“Mm-hmm,” I nodded, trying to appear friendly in front of my little brother.

“Yuki! Youichi! Come here or would you like to eat cold dinner?” Onee-san called out from the dining room.

“Hai!” We both said, mine significantly less enthusiastic.

Out of habit, I noticed the number of chairs surrounding the dining table the minute I enter the dining room. It was still five—one for each of us originally. One for me, one for Youichi, one for Onee-san, one for our mother, and one for our father. There was supposed to be five pairs of chopsticks, five bowls of rice and five plates present every dinner. Yeah, that was how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to be just like your typical everyday family. But you just can’t control events, can you? Now, all that’s left every dinner are the three of us.

I sighed and took my usual place beside Youichi.

“Itadakimasu!” Youichi and Onee-san said at the same time, their excitement for the food obvious in their voices.

“Itadakimasu,” I also said, though with less energy.

I contented myself with the usual—the two of them both happily chatting and talking about things while I silently eat my share of the meal. As always, the two of them will be so engrossed in their own chat that they won’t mind me at all. Just how I like it.

I looked at Onee-san and noticed that there are dark circles under her eyes. ‘She’s been overworking herself again,’ I thought. ‘What could it be this time around?’

Onee-san is a student at the local university. Being an above average student, she originally planned to enter Tokyo University. After graduating there, she wants to get a good job at some big company, marry and have a happy life. But of course, the divorce affected too many things… and one of them is Onee-san’s plans. Instead of entering Tokyo U., she insisted on just studying at the local university so that she could help our mother with stuff around the house. Moreover, she also took several part-time jobs because she believes that this will be of great help to our mother. Not to mention that she also takes care of all the housework. Poor Onee-san. This is all our parents’ fault.

I sighed. Just thinking about these are enough to give me a headache. ‘Ugh,’ I grunted. ‘I’m thinking of things way too much again.’

“Hey!” I was brought out of my stupor by Onee-san’s voice. I noticed the hand waving in front of me. “Hey Yuki! Yuki, you there?”

“Earth to Yu-chan! Earth to Yu-chan!” chimed Youichi.

“Hai. Yeah I’m here,” I answered both of them. Damn. I’ve been spacing out a lot this day.

As if reading my mind, my sister said, “It seems that you’ve been spacing out a lot today Yuki.”

“Nn… no. I was just… thinking of things.”

“Oh… is that so?”

“Hai, Onee-san.”

“Ne Yuki,” My sister began, switching from Youichi to me. This was one of those rare occasions when Onee-san also asks me about my day. I better get ready. “Did something happen at school today? How’re you?”

“I’m fine. Just like always,” I answered flawlessly.

I played a mini-flashback on my head. Behind the class, beside the window, away from everyone. Usual. Ezumi, usual talk, grumpy homeroom teacher. Still the usual. Lunch, usual place, weird question. Oh wait, this is not usual. Maybe I could tell this to Onee-san.

“Well yeah,” I began my sentence.

“Hmm?” Onee-san obviously has her full attention. This is also one of those rare times that I have actually something to say.

“Ezumi asked a weird question today at lunch.”

“And that is?”

“If I have someone I like or not.”

“Oh. Really?” Her voice sounds amused.

“Yeah.”

“So, what did you say?”

“I have none…”

My mini-flashback, which was supposed to be paused at that time, played suddenly. End of class, cleaning duty, oh shit, Hamada, touch… touch… touch. Like a broken player, my mini-flashback was stuck at that time when Hamada touched my forehead. I know I should have forgotten about this already… I should have.

“Fuck,” I said without thinking.

“Nani?!” Onee-san blurted out, shocked that I just cursed in the middle of dinner.

“Nah… uh,” I stammered while trying to get up from my seat. “Nothing. I just remembered that… uh… homework. Yeah homework.”

I left them at the dinner table and practically ran upstairs to my room. I became aware of the sensation growing in my fingers and I can’t help but flush at its recognition. There was no mistaking it. It is exactly the same feeling… the same thing… it was his skin… Hamada’s skin. Dammit.

I reached my room and panted out of breath. Whether it was because I ran up the stairs or because something was thumping crazily inside me, I don’t know. I badly needed to be inside my sanctuary… to get away from people… to think straight.

I went inside my bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face. I could still feel some of the heat in my face but at least it’s significantly lesser now.

“Fuck it,” I said to the other me in the mirror. “Why are you that bothered, huh?! Why does Hamada have such an effect on you? Urgh. Darn it.”

I went out of the bathroom and sat on my bed, feeling frustrated more than ever. It sucks to have something bothering you, and much more so if you don’t know why it’s bothering you. I slammed my fists on the bed, venting out all of the frustrations of not completely understanding what’s going on.

“Damn you Hamada, damn you,” I spat out. “Damn you, damn you, damn you!”

I continued slamming my fists until my own arms gave out from lack of energy. I don’t want to move anymore. I don’t want to think about anything. I lied down on my back and stared at the ceiling. It was blank just like a canvass. Nothing. Zero. Nada. Zilch. How I wish I could be like that—content with having nothing at all.

“Fuck,” I cursed again. I wonder how many I’ve said this day.

I raised my right hand to my face—the one which touched Hamada on his cheek earlier… the one which has the lingering feeling of his skin. ‘It’s a pretty normal hand. A palm… five fingers… lines that cross each other…’ I thought to myself. ‘But why does it still feel Hamada’s skin? What’s going on with this hand?’

I sighed and touched my forehead. Fuck. Fuck it all. I hate feeling confused to the point of utter frustration. And I’m nearly beyond that level. I sighed for the nth time and closed my eyes.

“I hate you Hamada. I hate you.”

---

“I like you the best in the whole wide world!” A boy, about seven years old, made a big round figure with his tiny arms as he said those words to his playmate.

His playmate is of the same age, though unbelievably more mature in both looks and manners. “Really?” he said while chuckling.

The boy, thinking that he was being laughed at, frowned. “No fair! You don’t like me, do you? Hmmmph.”

“When did I ever say that?”

“But you didn’t say you like me the best too!”

“That doesn’t mean that I don’t like you.”

“But still…” The boy, out of words, simply pouted.

“Alright, alright,” His playmate started coaxing him. “I’m gonna say it so you better listen carefully, ok?”

“Hmmmph.”

“I like you the best too in the whole wide world.”

“Really?” The boy asked, affirming what he has just heard.

“Really.”

“As in really, really, really?”

The more mature one chuckled once again at the childish behavior of his playmate. He never ceases to amuse him. “Really now, are we gonna talk about this all day?”

“Answer it.”

The boy sighed. He knew he had to give in. There’s just nothing that will compare to the stubbornness of his childish playmate. So he smiled and said,

“Yes. I really, really, really like you the best in this whole world, Yuki.”

Chapter 1 - The Touch

“Ohayo!”

“Did you watch that show yesterday? Man, that was awesome!”

“Oh gosh! I forgot to powder my face today!”

It was like the usual. Every day, this is what you will witness in this classroom. Students laughing, talking about their own type of interests, happily chatting the time away—everyone kept themselves busy in their own world. Well, everyone except me.

I’m the type of person that you would probably describe as weird, loner and loser. The type of person that as you may have already guessed, the one who sits in the back of the class… beside the window… and away from everyone. Yep, that’s exactly me.

I’m of medium built—average hair, average height, average weight, average intelligence, average looks and pretty much average everything… except maybe for the fact that I am very unsociable. Well yeah, I mean I talk to people at times, but if there’s no really need to, I don’t bother. So yeah you get the idea.

“Ishikawa-kun!” I heard a girl’s voice call my name.

Ah, Ezumi. Probably the only person in this world that could stand me and my inability to socialize with people.

“Yeah,” I answer back without bothering to look away from the scenery outside the window.

“Ne, Ishikawa-kun, why are you so grumpy early this morning?” she asked while she took her place on the sit beside me.

I turned to look at her and noticed that as always, Ezumi has a new hairstyle. She is a beautiful girl—complete with the long, flowing black hair, sparkling eyes and a smile that could make any guy fall in love. But vain if you ask me. Yep, pretty vain, in my opinion.

“Well nothing much. Just got woken up early by that old hag again,” I answered her. I wonder how Ezumi could sense my mood changes… I’m pretty sure I still look the same though.

“Aww Yuki… come on; give your mother a break already. You know she needs to support you and your siblings by herself.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever,” I said, obviously dismissing the topic “And don’t call me by my first name, Ezumi.”

Ezumi, being herself, knows about the conflict between my mother and I. She happened to know last year when I didn’t attend class for two whole weeks. Apparently, the school thought that I had some grave` illness that they asked her to go visit and check on me. As it turns out, I’m not going to school because of my parents’ divorce. So yeah there, from then on, she sort of became my guardian or something. I guess she pities me somehow. Oh well, I don’t really care.

“Ishikawa-kun, you are so mean,” she pouted. Despite being vain and all, Ezumi’s still cute. And by that, I mean really, really cute. “Why won’t you still allow me to call you by your first name?”

“Because—“

I was cut off by my classmates hurrying to take a seat. Seems our homeroom teacher is even grumpier than me today. Oh well, nothing’s new.

“Ne Ishikawa-kun, see you at lunch okay?” she whispered as she hurried out the door.

We stood up, bowed and said our greetings. Looks like there won’t be anything unusual this day.

---

As always, Ezumi fetched me from my classroom when the lunch bell rang. She handed me my bento and we walked off to our usual spot in the campus grounds. She always does this and sometimes I wonder why.

“Ishikawa-kun, I have a question.”

“Hm?”

“Um… etou… anou…” Now this is unusual. She… the Ezumi who’s great at public speaking is stuttering? I can’t believe it.

“Ezumi, ask it straight away.”

“D-do… do you have someone you like, Ishikawa-kun?”

Okay. So my mind did a double-take there. I was kind of shocked by the sudden question that I turned to look at her. She seemed suddenly interested in picking her food.

“Well, I don’t have one,” I answered her as I went back to my bento.

“Oh,” was it just my imagination or did I just hear her breathe a sigh of relief? “I see.”

We continued eating our lunches and went back to our classrooms. Well, aside from that unexpected question from her, it was just another day… or so I thought.

---

It was finally end of class. I have cleaning duty today so I will go home later than everybody. Honestly speaking, I actually sort of look forward to this day. Why? Because there’s no one else and I can finally be of peace. All the noise, ruckus and chatter have all subsided into nothing but a deafening silence. Well, that is until I realized who my cleaning partner is for today.

“OH SHIT…” I cursed silently in my head.

I sighed inwardly as I looked at that smiling face on the door. Apparently, I forgot that it will be Hamada today. Damn.

“Shall we start cleaning now, Yuki?” he asked as he approached me and handed me one of the brooms.

“Shut up and don’t call me by my first name, Hamada,” I retorted, my dislike for him obvious in my tone.

Toshiaki Hamada, the number one prince of our school. Warm, gentle, handsome and intelligent. Those are the four words that are used by the entire population of our school to describe him—well except me, that is. He’s had the top spot ever since he entered this school. Naturally, because of that, many are after him—both girls and guys. Take note, BOTH girls and… guys.

“Hey Ishikawa, what do you plan to do after high school?” he suddenly asked out of the blue, “Go to some university, perhaps? Or maybe work a part time job?”

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly, busily sweeping the floor.

He paused at this and looked at me, aghast, “What? You still don’t know? It’s just how many months from now!”

“Yeah,” I answered simply.

I am very much aware of how I hate getting along with people. I probably hate them too. But I know for a fact that who I hate the most is Hamada. I hate how he could be so sure of himself. It’s like he already knows what he is and what he will be. How could he be like that? How could he be so happy like there’s nothing troubling him? And to top all that, how did he have that kind of intelligence and looks? It’s almost like he’s an artificial being… like he’s not part of this world.

‘Ah damn,’ I thought to myself ‘I’ve spent too much time thinking of such insignificant things. Give me back my brain cells!”

“So, uh… Ishikawa?” I heard him call me.

“What?” I feel like rolling my eyes.

“You were spacing out just now. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I answered him, going back to my job of sweeping the floor, ‘Like hell you care anyway,’ I thought to myself.

“Are you really sure?” he said, sounding concerned, “You’re pretty pale you know, maybe you have a fever.”

I was about to tell him to fuck off and mind his own business when he suddenly touched my forehead.

-Thump-

I felt something suddenly switch inside me.

-Thump, thump-

I became aware of his presence so much more than before.

-Thump, thump, thump-

I noticed that he has such tousled beautiful hair.

--Thump, thump, thump, thump-

Did he have those big, black eyes before?

-Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump-

Something inside me was beating like crazy now. How could that be? By that simple contact of our skin, I felt sensations that I’ve never felt before. It was all so new yet there’s something that felt familiar. I was looking at his eyes now… no wait, it’s not looking… I was drowning in them now.

Before I knew it, my hand moved on its own and caressed his cheek lightly.

“Toshiaki…”

At that instance, I woke up from my trance.

‘What?! Huh, wait what?!’ My thoughts are all over the place ‘What the hell is going on?’

I pushed Hamada’s hand away and turned to grab my bag. I stormed out of the room and ran as fast as I can, never once looking back. There are so many things racing through my head right now that I can’t even think properly. I looked at the hand that touched Hamada’s cheek—the feeling of his skin still lingers.

“What the hell is going on?” I muttered to myself.

Tears

This will be very quick for I am in class now. I'm pissed. Annoyed. Whatever you want to call it. This is one of the reasons why I don't like myself. I cry too easily. Fucking too easily. How can I face them now? I'm not supposed to show them these effing tears. It's a fucking weakness they need not see and notice. What will they say of me now? I do trust them. Well, not so much. What will they think of me now? Ugh. Shame.

And that professor. Damn him for triggering these tears--for pulling them out. He's one good teacher, one who knows humanities and a couple of life lessons. But I don't allow myself to cry if not in front of Kaa-san or Joy. Damn that professor. Damn him.

And to you, the person who made me this way. The person who's the root of all these insecurities and weaknesses. To you who damned me with fucking expectations. Fuck you. Fuck you. And fuck you. Don't worry, you'll soon witness my demise. I'll destroy myself. I can't wait to see your reaction by then. Let's see how you look when you see your BELOVED CHILD broken and perfectly INSANE.